Lean on Me, Myself, and I

I’m sure we’ve all been there: you have a day that’s not really bad, but it’s not really good either; a day when things just didn’t click into place as well as they usually do.

Today was a day like that for me…somewhat because of the The Missing; there are three in total. Thankfully, I got a response back from one of them today—and even though the reply hit me like a sucker punch, I was glad to get it because, you know what, nobody is perfect. I am certainly not perfect. Shit happens—it’s happened to me all my life and I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I am here and I am not afraid to say that. I’m not afraid to say that I was wrong—no excuses; to say that I was selfish or chicken-shit or robotic, or all of the other things that I’ve been including a bad friend. I don’t forget, though, and I am always willing to take responsibility for my piece and to reach out and try again. Above everything else I am one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet and that is an outstanding quality.

I know that to be a fact, and that’s my mantra for days like this.

The other thing that made difficult was my ex, Mel. Understandably she’s depressed, but I am really worried about her. I wish with all of my heart that I could have spared her having to grieve for our failed relationship while she’s unemployed. I keep hoping she’ll turn this into positive motivation, but it’s not working yet. What’s really hard is that I’m about over my grieving process because I started about 6-9 months ago when I knew in my heart of hearts that we were doomed; she’s just starting hers and won’t lean on anyone else but me because she always puts on this impenetrable façade with everyone else.

So, tonight I spent the majority of the night trying to get her to talk to me about what she’s feeling; I listened and offered up some advice as someone who has lived on her own for over a decade; I played cards for an hour; and I gave hugs and let her cry on my shoulder. I cried a little, too, and it felt good to be hugged, but it’s different when you’re being the “strong one.” And now that I’m alone in my room, I feel the loneliness and loss of support more than ever.

Where is my shoulder tonight? Or at any time? Is there anyone who would come and put their arms around me when I’m frowning without prompting? That person for me was Mel. Even when we were fighting, I could still cry on her shoulder, but that’s the shitty thing with being the person to end a relationship—you lose that luxury.

So, she’s in the other room feeling better, and I’m crying as I write this damn blog because the one person I really wish I could talk to is still missing…and the really screwed up part is that I don’t even know this person that well.

Sometimes, though, things just click…and then sometimes they don’t. Maybe I’m just out of my bloody mind and always have been.

Whatever the case, I’m a good person and a good friend, and I get better at both every year. I try and never give up trying, at anything…and, frankly, I have overcome more than anyone else I know. There’s very good reasons why I don’t talk to anyone in my family, and haven’t for seven years…and none of those reasons has anything to do with the fact that I’m a lesbian. That’s just a cover story.

So, yea, sometimes I do lie—I regularly lie about that because the real answers are far too personal and most people don’t really want to know them anyway.

Lisa's List

I got this from Lisa...who is a list whore. Love ya!

Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove the x from the ones you have not, and send it to all of your friends (including me).

This is for your entire life
(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car (Includes Siblings)
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(X) Shoplifted (I was with my cousin when she did it, but I knew about it)
(X) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job "finished my shift, handed the owner my keys and said "think you can take over"
(X) Been in a fist fight
(X) Snuck out of your parent's house (It's was my aunt's)
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
(X) Gone on a blind date (Talked on the phone the night before)
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried your self to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins!
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about.
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Gone Ice-skatin-

1. Any children? Nope
2. Any pet's? 1 cat
3. Any nicknames? Traceminerals; cooker
4. Mother's name? Audrey
5. What is your favorite drink? Jack and coke
6. Tattoos? Nope
7. Body piercing? 3 in each ear

What happened to 8?

9. Birthplace: Orange County, California
10. Favorite vacation spot? Chicago
11. Ever been to Africa? Nope
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? Nope
13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes

WHAT HAPPENED TO 14?

15. 2 Door or 4 Door? No car
16. Salad dressing? Ranch
17. Favorite pie? French Silk
18. Favorite Number? I don’t have one
19. Favorite movie? Godfather 1 & 2

No 20 Either

21. Favorite holiday? New Year’s
22. Favorite food? Mexican/Italian
23. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
24. Favorite brand of body soap? Lever
25. Favorite TV show? LOST
26.Toothpaste? Aquafresh…Colgate makes me vomit

No 27?

28. Favorite smell? Freshly showered lady
29. What do you do to relax? Write, Exercise
30. Message to your friends reading this? Lisa made me do it.

No 31 either?

32. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I see myself living in Chicago, writing full-time
33. What do you do when you are bored? Surf the Internet, Dishes
34. What do you enjoy receiving? Smiles
35. Furthest place you will send this message? My blog
36. Who will respond the fastest? These questions are stupid
37. Least likely to respond? Ditto
38. What time is it now? 11:21 AM

Reaching Out to You: The Missing

Okay, so I think I’ve written everyone I’d like to keep in touch with over the last week and a half. Talk about an exercise in humility. There are a few really good people in my life that I’ve let slip away for one reason or another. Asking them for forgiveness and a second chance wasn’t really difficult, but it wasn’t easy either.

One of the letters—the “Hey Jude” one—actually brought me to tears, so if you received that email and you’re reading this, please write me back even if you just want me to eat shit and die. I think about you every fucking day and it’s going to drive me crazy if I never know one way or the other. Seriously—write me or I’m apt to hire a private investigator to find out just where the fuck you are. I do write detective fiction, you know. You think I’m joking, but I am not—that’s how much it means to me to know where I stand with you.

But, alas, I don’t think you’re reading this. You seem to have dropped off the face of the earth since Valentine’s Day and I’m starting to get worried that something terrible has happened. Maybe you’re just going through a tough time like I was after that “holiday,” but, at any rate, I want to talk to you. I want to be your friend so please, God, please answer my prayers soon.

I know that patience is a virtue, but this is torture.

Hey, whoever is reading this and knows me, even a little, please take a moment to tell Mystery Person that I’m not insane, just a little bit crazy by leaving a comment. Come on! You’ve got time and I need some real help here! This is important to me. Grazie molto!

Missing (Click to hear sample)
By Evanescence (Amy Lee)

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious you'll say to no one
Isn’t something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you loved me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won’t be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn’t something missing

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you loved me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

I Should Sleep Well Tonight

Not only did I have a lovely dinner with Lynne at Aubrey's and a lovely vodka martini, but I spent 15 minutes on a stair-stepper when I first got to the rec center because the track was still being cleaned. I would have preferred a stationary bicycle, but the cardio room was very full because of the delay in the cleaning. The only thing available was the stepper. All I can say is HOLY COW! I haven't worked that hard since I moved into this apartment 2 years ago all by myself!!!

Afterward I stretched, and then spent 20 more minutes walking, and then stretched again. Walking down the stairs to the locker room afterward was a bit of an experience...there was a moment there were I wasn't sure my legs would hold me. :)

I've recovered, but I'm definitely tuckered out and will be turning in soon. Hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow.

Oh, and I got my new Cingular SLVR cellphone in the mail today with iTunes. Wow, it's so beautiful! I'm afraid to touch it. Now, I just need to get a case. Why I didn't think of that before, I dunno.

'Night everyone. Sweet dreams.

iPods, SUVs, and Traitors

Damn. Damn. Damn. I hate forgetting my iPod at home. Now I have to go to the rec center without it. HATE THAT!

Oh well, that won't stop me from going and neither will the blustery weather we're having. Burrr. It's cold! And I forget home much I dislike driving in these conditions. It's totally foreign to me. If you need someone to drive a motorcycle or a 4-wheel drive through deep sand, I'm your girl, but any sort of snow turns me into a hyperaware driver who can't do anything but drive. No music, no talking, no nothing! I have to concentrate...and all you mother fuckers who fly by me and cut me off, I hope you spin out and total your precious gas-hogging SUVs on the way home because I'll be off the road by then.

By the way, I forgot to mention that my cat, Violet, is a traitor. Forever and a day it's been all about me--all about Mom since I'm her human, but since Mel lost her job and is home with her almost every day...yea, I'm lucky to get a hello when I get home from work. I don't even think she slept with me at all last night...little shit.

But, all is good because my room at home is sparkly clean and serene. It feels a little lonely sometimes in the queen-sized bed by myself, but I am enjoying having my own space, which I can easily keep clean. I used to be more messy than I am anymore--I'm actually quite neat now, so having my own room is giving me a real opportunity to enjoy that quality about myself since it's the only room that Mel and I don't share. She's not nearly as tidy, unfortunately, but she has her own room now and she can do whatever she wants with it. I don't care; I won't say anything because I can shut the door if I don't want to look at the mess.

I did fall asleep crying last night. It wasn't a bad cry (if there's such a thing); it was just emotional. I was thinking about my future dreams, the fears and unknowns that go along with it, and I was lonely, honestly. That's why I'm pissed at my cat because she wouldn't hang around long enough to let me cuddle until I could fall asleep. Usually she will, but she's pretty wigged out by Mel and I sleeping in other rooms--she doesn't know who to stay with. Before Mel lost her job there wouldn't have been a question, but now Mel's her buddy and I'm just the boss.

Okay, time to go see Mary...Maybe I'll write more later

Upgrading My Life

After my haircut yesterday, I took a bit of a detour to make sure I got plenty of walking in because I knew I'd be sitting on my bum for the majority of the day...and I was until 2:00 am, but now I'm sitting in my home office using a totally new computer system.

About a month ago I found a used Compaq for a really reasonable price. At the same time I finally upgraded the home monitor for a 15" CRT to a 19" LCD (holy smokes! It's beautiful). That, too, I got for a deal. So yesterday I finally cracked the case on the Compaq and put in my older computer's 80 GB HDD, a CD-RW, an 4x AGP video card, and 516 of SDRAM. Besides doing all of that and testing, I wiped the HDD and reinstalled XP from SP1 to SP3, reinstalled all my programs, restored my email and file archive, installed an external sound controller I haven't been able to use (sweeeeet), swapped my PS/2 wireless keyboard for a new USB one that the BIOS doesn't like as much (but I do), and finally fixed the issue with my wireless router, which made it keep restarting itself. So, now, even though my BIOS doesn't recognize my new keyboard until Windows loads, everything is working and looks beautiful. It also matches...everything is black and silver. Love that!

What to do about the BIOS issue, though. I went to Compaq's website and found that there is a newer image, but not only is trying to flash the BIOS on this model ridiculously difficult (you have to use SSM, which I'm not comfortable with), but from the description the new image doesn't address USB keyboard support. So, right now I've got a standard PS/2 keyboard plugged into the back of the computer for emergency troubleshooting. I have it stashed behind the desk so that you can see it, but it's kind of annoying me...like an constant tapping on my brain. I hate not being able to figure out computer issues--it's a rare day that I can't fix something on my own system since I do all my own upgrading and support. Any ideas out there on how to create a Flash BIOS utility diskette for a Compaq?

But despite the brain tapping, I'm having an enjoyable Sunday morning. Despite going to bed so late, I was up at 9:00. I've cleaned up the office, which I had left a disaster area, done the dishes, made my breakfast and coffee, emailed friends, and now I've written this boring blog (unless you're a computer princess like me). I don't know what I should do today, though. It's freezing outside even if the sun is out, but I don't feel like spending the day in front of the computer again, either, even if it is a beautiful and much faster computer. Mel's going to her mother's for the afternoon, so I'll be car-less.

Perhaps today would be a good day to pretty up my bedroom now that it's all mine again...hmm...

Yea, that sounds good. Later.

I Need Some Cadillacs

So, I dreamt about soccer and sex last night--two things I've been retired from...though, I'm hoping to moonlight for a while with the latter before I come out of full retirement. ;)

I woke up to the sound of a bitterly cold, angry wind. It's scary out there and I've got a hair appointment in an hour. It's in downtown Ypsi, so I just walk. Today, not having that black Cadillac CTS-V that I saw the other day really blows. And speaking of sex, the chick driving it was uber-hot and she knew it, too--how could you not in a car like that? I was walking with my co-worker during our break when I saw her. When she drove by I said, "She's looking for me and she doesn't even know it...that's got a Corvette engine in it!"

There in lies my secret turn-on: cars. No, I don't own any of them and never have bought a new one, but ever since moving to Michigan I've found a contrary love of the automobile even as I despise them in so many ways. My all-time favorite remains the Dodge Stealth, but the new caddy's are really turning my head (I wouldn't mind a Ford Mustang these days, either).

Speaking of caddy's, in this post-Mel era of my life, I figured it was time for not only a cellphone, but also a new vibrator (gasp!) since the one I had before we shared. And I don't need a new one just for that, I need a new one because it's broken. I probably shouldn't write this here, but I'm going to: so, she tells me last week that the vibe is officially caput; she was in the middle of using it (it's had a short for a while) and it suddenly caught fire! I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't and still can't help but laugh and naughtily think, "That's what you get for using it so much."

(If you know me and you're getting bad visuals, go to another blog, pussy.)

Anyway, the reason why I'm matching vibrators with Cadillacs is because the one I have is called "The Cadillac of Vibrators." Tada! Now, honestly, I don't have a lot of experience with vibes, but I have some. I've been introduced a couple of different ones through my handful of sex-partners, but a few years ago when I found myself suddenly single, again, I went shopping for my own, and that's the one I chose. It's quiet and reliable, and lasted a good 4 years, so that's the one I chose again.

Hopefully it'll be here soon--not only do I need some Cadillac, but I've got a minor arm injury from over-extending during my kick-boxing workout. The nice thing about the caddy is that it's a great stand-in for all sorts of occasions.

So, since I have access to a GM discount, when I decide it's time to go car shopping (EVIL), I'm going to check out the pricing of leasing a Cadillac CTS. I only need it for back and forth to work, and running around town--everything else I can take the train. So, if I can afford it now that I'm only supporting myself and my student loans will be paid off next year (and then I'll be rich!), I think I might just get myself a caddy...because I can see myself in that car and I can see a fine lady in the seat next to me, too.

Self-Reviews…

…are an insidious mind-fuck…but, yet, a strange exercise in personal humility and integrity.

I just finished mine today; I’ve been putting it off all week. Surprisingly, it left me feeling much better than they usually do. Instead of trying to prettify it with gag-inducting corporate speak, I was just frank. I figure my boss knows what I have and haven’t done well this year; if she doesn’t, well then...she does now.

I’m having a good day today even though I really think someone needs to blast my ex’s mother off into space just to give the both of us a break from her ceaseless insanity. I mean really—she’s the most ridiculously hopeless individual I’ve ever met; and in serious need of medication. Bless her heart and all of that, but Jesus; take a pill and just STOP!

Crazy (Click to hear sample)
By Alana Davis

You've got your home of the brave and I've got my land of the free
You conform to what society says and I conform to me
Looking for light in the corners getting caught in the spider web
You look at me as if I'm giving a performance when I'm just feeding my head
And you know that I'm doing all right
And I won't explain myself to you just to avoid a fight
How I'm living ain't correct but for me it's just right
I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy
There's no one to blame, got no shame about game
Don't want nobody to save me I've got a pair of ruby slippers that I don't wear much anymore
And if I had the nerve I'd click my heels and return
To the wonderland I knew before
I'm waiting too on a slow boat to China, want to sail away to the sun
I've been searching for myself and I know I'm gonna find her if I break away from everyone
So the way that I act may not fit in
Just because I've got a mind of my own doesn't mean it's a sin
I don't ask you to give up; don't expect me to give in
'Cause I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy there's no one to blame, got no shame about my game
Don't want nobody to save me
Some like to live for the moment taking life into their own hands every day
And if they don't get killed they get so high off the thrill
They could float to heaven anyway
And others want to save for tomorrow thinking money is security
Well I understand the need but I don't get the greed
And they all seem pretty crazy to me
You can tell by the expression I wear
Though I seem a little strange to you, I don't really care I got the freedom to be and there are others like me everywhere...

I’ve Got Things to do Before I Die

I’ll be 30 this year in August. So, here’s 30 things I want to do before I die (in no particular order):

1. Get my books published
2. Go to Rome
3. Finish my degree
4. Move to Chicago
5. Find that special woman who I dream about and make her crazy happy every day
6. Read the Bible
7. See the Mayan Pyramids
8. Go to Arlington National Cemetery
9. Get my motorcycle license
10. March in a major gay pride parade
11. Go to the Democratic National Convention
12. Enter/Win the caption contest in the New Yorker
13. Write an Op-Ed that gets published in a major newspaper
14. Learn to play the guitar
15. Average 5 hrs/week of volunteer work at a battered woman’s shelter for at least one year
16. Go to a Broadway show in a limo
17. Go back to St. Patrick’s Cathedral and replace the rosary that was stolen from my ugly truck
18. Write a love song
19. Learn T’ai Chi
20. Legally change my first name to Trace
21. Take a cruise
22. Go to the Olympics
23. Take more art lessons so I can illustrate my own books
24. Give all my tax money to a charity even if I could use it
25. Say “I do” and kiss my wife
26. Run a 5k
27. Stop biting my nails
28. Graduate from therapy with Mary’s blessing…and then give her a hug.
29. Experience the meaning of bliss
30. Join a protest march in Washington

Something More (Click to hear sample)
By Sugarland

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

CHORUS
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

REPEAT CHORUS

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure.
There's gotta be something!

Starting Over

It’s been a while since I stopped updating my last blog—a lot’s happened.

I’m sure of the next few weeks and months I’ll discuss it, but right now I just want to start a new blog that’s not for anyone but me. If you find it, feel free to read it, but I’m not going to follow any specific format this time. I’m just going to write and reveal myself through this journal because I’m tired of pretending I don't feel the way that I do…so let it begin:

Out of Bounds (Click link to hear sample)
by Amanda Marshall

Standing on the edge of time
Playing out a reckless pantomime
And every day's another wrong to rectify
I dream about a stranger's touch
And voices in my head I cannot hush
And every night's a hunger I can't satisfy

CHORUS
It's the secret that I keep
It's the ache that makes me weep
And I know I'm in too deep
I'm gonna drown
It's the emptiness I fear
Baby, please don't leave me here
'Cause I'm lost inside a dream
That's out of bounds

I close my eyes and it's so real
And all at once I know just what I feel
And baby it's the kind of rush that terrifies
I am weak -
I am wrong
And every day I swear that I'll be strong
But there's a bond between us that I can't deny

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I wanna surrender
I wanna give in
I wanna lay down and let it be now
And let it begin
Let it begin

CHORUS