Lean on Me, Myself, and I

I’m sure we’ve all been there: you have a day that’s not really bad, but it’s not really good either; a day when things just didn’t click into place as well as they usually do.

Today was a day like that for me…somewhat because of the The Missing; there are three in total. Thankfully, I got a response back from one of them today—and even though the reply hit me like a sucker punch, I was glad to get it because, you know what, nobody is perfect. I am certainly not perfect. Shit happens—it’s happened to me all my life and I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I am here and I am not afraid to say that. I’m not afraid to say that I was wrong—no excuses; to say that I was selfish or chicken-shit or robotic, or all of the other things that I’ve been including a bad friend. I don’t forget, though, and I am always willing to take responsibility for my piece and to reach out and try again. Above everything else I am one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet and that is an outstanding quality.

I know that to be a fact, and that’s my mantra for days like this.

The other thing that made difficult was my ex, Mel. Understandably she’s depressed, but I am really worried about her. I wish with all of my heart that I could have spared her having to grieve for our failed relationship while she’s unemployed. I keep hoping she’ll turn this into positive motivation, but it’s not working yet. What’s really hard is that I’m about over my grieving process because I started about 6-9 months ago when I knew in my heart of hearts that we were doomed; she’s just starting hers and won’t lean on anyone else but me because she always puts on this impenetrable façade with everyone else.

So, tonight I spent the majority of the night trying to get her to talk to me about what she’s feeling; I listened and offered up some advice as someone who has lived on her own for over a decade; I played cards for an hour; and I gave hugs and let her cry on my shoulder. I cried a little, too, and it felt good to be hugged, but it’s different when you’re being the “strong one.” And now that I’m alone in my room, I feel the loneliness and loss of support more than ever.

Where is my shoulder tonight? Or at any time? Is there anyone who would come and put their arms around me when I’m frowning without prompting? That person for me was Mel. Even when we were fighting, I could still cry on her shoulder, but that’s the shitty thing with being the person to end a relationship—you lose that luxury.

So, she’s in the other room feeling better, and I’m crying as I write this damn blog because the one person I really wish I could talk to is still missing…and the really screwed up part is that I don’t even know this person that well.

Sometimes, though, things just click…and then sometimes they don’t. Maybe I’m just out of my bloody mind and always have been.

Whatever the case, I’m a good person and a good friend, and I get better at both every year. I try and never give up trying, at anything…and, frankly, I have overcome more than anyone else I know. There’s very good reasons why I don’t talk to anyone in my family, and haven’t for seven years…and none of those reasons has anything to do with the fact that I’m a lesbian. That’s just a cover story.

So, yea, sometimes I do lie—I regularly lie about that because the real answers are far too personal and most people don’t really want to know them anyway.